I'm talking about rotten wine, people. Rotten wine-kit wine. Rotten regifted wine-kit wine. If you have a strong stomach, get off on schadenfreude, and enjoy the word "bunghole," then check out Wednesday's post.
If you don't want to check out the post (because you have a sensitive tummy, are lazy, etc.), then let me cut right to the shocking conclusion: I don't think regifting is so bad.
There are times when money is tight, when your schedule is packed. We live in a nation filled to its rafters with things. Why go out and buy one more thing to add to the ever-growing pile, especially when you have a perfectly good, unused thing back at home?
My 16-month-old has no less than 30 stuffed animals. It looks like Pork Chop is running a farm where the livestock are harvested for pillow stuffing. Just like in a PETA exposé, all of the animals are covered in spit and snot and lying in toxic, dejected heaps around the house. If you feel the need to add to those heaps, why go out and buy a brand-new animal, who maybe has a shot at becoming some nice, grown woman's shitty Valentine's Day gift? No. Just grab that clean, unused teddy bear at the back of your kid's closet and foist it on us.
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| Another powder blue stuffed bunny? It's just what we needed! |
But if my experience with the moldy bottle of wine has taught me anything, it's that taste buds don't always grow back and that regifting is a subtle art. Here are my tips on mastering that art through trickery and a lax attitude toward acceptable social customs.
- Gift cards: Nothing says "I shopped at CVS" like a gift card. They're basically cold, hard cash with very specific instructions, like, "Enjoy a Bloomin' Onion and one serving of Shrimp on the Barbie," or, "Use this 30 bucks to finally nab that 100 dollar maxi dress you've been eyeing." Gift cards are the beige paint of the gift-giving world; they're kind of sad but they go with everything. Just remember to scratch your name off of the back before you stick the card in an envelope and smugly hand it over to someone else who probably hates Outback Steakhouse.
- Booze: Everyone loves booze! Except for babies and people who don't. Booze is a great gift for almost any occasion: birthdays, holidays, barbecues, morning. Just make sure that any wine or beer that you're passing on isn't skunked. Hard liquor, however, never goes bad. (Don't worry. I looked that up on Yahoo.) I'm pretty sure they found a bottle of Jagermeister in the tomb of an ancient Egyptian pharaoh, and it tasted exactly as horrible as modern Jagermeister. Put a bow on that bottle and regift the hell out of it!
- Toys: As I already mentioned, you do not need to buy a new toy if you have a new, functioning, and abandoned toy sitting forlornly in some corner of your home. Slap some fresh Sponge Bob wrapping paper on that reject and call yourself Martha Stewart. But take note: If your child receives an extra Dr. Blinkerton McScreamy's Song Repeater 5000, don't even consider regifting it to my kid. If that or any other hell-spawn electronic toy crosses the threshold of my home, I will give your kid pink eye. I. Will. Give. Your. Kid. Pink Eye.
- Handmade items: Don't be an asshole. You don't regift a lovingly crafted handmade item; you give that shit to Goodwill, where your MeeMaw's knitted toilet paper cozy will make some hipster's big, dumb, ironic day.
- Food: Regifting food is kinda shady, in my opinion. What are the chances that you got that tin of weird Scandinavian butter cookies a few days before you opted to regift them? Slim. What are the chances that you had to wipe dust off of the tin. High. Look, nothing takes the wind out of a girl's sails like ripping open a box of birthday chocolates only to find that the truffles have gone a bit grey. When you regift food, what you're really giving is the gift of diarrhea.
- Books: You know damn well that no one likes to read. Ugh. Nerds.
And there you have it -- the Tao of Regifting. For the record, though, if you show up at my house with anything on this list, I'll know what you've done, ya cheapskate.
Addition to list: Dead relatives' clothing. My ex's grandmother sent him birthday and holiday gifts of clothing that had belonged to his grandfather, who had died 15 years prior. Not sentimental or high-quality items. Polyester ties with food stains. Dusty unopened bag of socks. Yellowing plaid sports jacket with elbow patches that still smelled like cigarette smoke. No, she was not senile. She was just really, really cheap.
ReplyDeleteMmmm-mmm: old, stanky, stained clothing. That's what I would call an aggressive lack of taste. That said, I WISH I could have been a fly on the wall when he opened that shit up.
DeleteOh wow. Creepy. On the other hand, what if the relative is super, really dead -- as in many generations? I have some beaded bags from the turn of the century I plan to give to my daughter. And pearls that my grandmother got when my mother was born. But that's jewelry, so that's different. I have some vintage clothes I have bough downtown but sometimes I think, ew, can I really wear this? Where has it been?
DeleteA word of caution. Be careful to whom you regift. An item appropriate for regifting has a bad habit of making a complete circuit and coming back to haunt you!. YES--it happens.
ReplyDeleteIt's like the circle of life, except instead of "life" it's "crap." But don't worry -- in Virginia, they sell booze at the 24-hour Rite Aid. So I promise any bottles I bring to Thanksgiving or Christmas will be fresh! ;)
DeleteI'm totally with you on the fresh wine bottle. Why on Earth can we not pass on a perfectly good bottle that we might not drink ourselves? I don't like wine unless it has bubbles, because I am a big baby. So if people give us wine without bubbles I immediately rope it off for regifting.
DeleteA few thoughts:
ReplyDelete1. Hipsters might also like the tin (they'll throw out the cookies) and you don't even need to wipe off the dust because they'll like that too! Have you ever been in a house with more than one guitar that *isn't* a bit pretentiously dusty?
2. Jagermeister. I once brought half a bottle from our freezer up to some hip (not hipster) 20 year olds who lived one flight up from us during Hurricane Sandy because we were trapped with a one year old and they had pizza and a functioning TV. I thought they would love the baby and invite us in for a drink, mistaking us for hip 30somethings. They took the bottle, thanked me, and CLOSED THE DOOR. This really happened. My husband didn't speak to me for 2 days. He was sure I had worded my introduction wrong.
4. Someone has to look up whoever made the joke about there being only one fruitcake in the world that we all keep passing back and forth. Someone said that, right?
5. Thank you for making me laugh. I needed it. As always.
6. What I really want is a gift card FOR CVS. I want piles of People and Us Magazine and loads of lip gloss. People should give drugstore gift cards. Gift cards for drugstores. I would love that.
Please, please, please write about that Hurricane Sandy story. That is too awful and funny to keep to yourself. As for fruitcake, my dad was a baker; he may be the only person on earth who absolutely loves fruit cake and will often wax poetic about how it is made. As for the piles of trashy magazines -- yes, yes, and furthermore, yes please.
DeleteI will write it down, but if my husband reads it, the resentment may boil in him once more. Seriously, I have experienced an abundance of social rejection in my life, but the incident with the Jagermeister was the most baffling and humiliating one of my 30s. It was a real head-scratcher.
DeleteArgh, Blogger software! I have written two replies to your beautiful baby weight post and it won't let me post them! Anyway, I loved it. I love how many meanings of the word "weight" you found. I need more hankies.
ReplyDeleteThis is the reason I have to keep my wine rack fully stocked--you never know when you need a quick gift. (That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.)
ReplyDeleteBetween ancient Egyptian Jagermeister and "some hipster's big, dumb, ironic day," I could not love you any harder right now.
I am currently drinking wine that my husband bought for me at a grocery store called "Shopper's Food Warehouse" (a place that specializes in donuts so big that you can only fit 6 in a box). And I am drinking that wine from pilsner glass that reads "When work feels overwhelming, remember that you're going to die." Do you love me harder now?
DeleteI can't decide which line is my favorite: "Booze is a great gift for almost any occasion: birthdays, holidays, barbecues, morning" or "When you regift food, what you're really giving is the gift of diarrhea."
ReplyDeleteI'd like to think I specialize in humor AND in accuracy. (And thank you!)
DeleteTo truly master the art of regifting, one must be able to keep track of who gave what gift in the first place. Nothing like accidentally giving something back to the person who gave it to you.
ReplyDeleteJessica, I guess I won't send your kid that electronic loud-noise toy that my kid found, unwrapped, and played with. You are safe.
ReplyDeleteThe post is awesomeness blossomness.