I'm talking about rotten wine, people. Rotten wine-kit wine. Rotten regifted wine-kit wine. If you have a strong stomach, get off on schadenfreude, and enjoy the word "bunghole," then check out Wednesday's post.
If you don't want to check out the post (because you have a sensitive tummy, are lazy, etc.), then let me cut right to the shocking conclusion: I don't think regifting is so bad.
There are times when money is tight, when your schedule is packed. We live in a nation filled to its rafters with things. Why go out and buy one more thing to add to the ever-growing pile, especially when you have a perfectly good, unused thing back at home?
My 16-month-old has no less than 30 stuffed animals. It looks like Pork Chop is running a farm where the livestock are harvested for pillow stuffing. Just like in a PETA exposé, all of the animals are covered in spit and snot and lying in toxic, dejected heaps around the house. If you feel the need to add to those heaps, why go out and buy a brand-new animal, who maybe has a shot at becoming some nice, grown woman's shitty Valentine's Day gift? No. Just grab that clean, unused teddy bear at the back of your kid's closet and foist it on us.
|Another powder blue stuffed bunny? It's just what we needed!|
But if my experience with the moldy bottle of wine has taught me anything, it's that taste buds don't always grow back and that regifting is a subtle art. Here are my tips on mastering that art through trickery and a lax attitude toward acceptable social customs.
- Gift cards: Nothing says "I shopped at CVS" like a gift card. They're basically cold, hard cash with very specific instructions, like, "Enjoy a Bloomin' Onion and one serving of Shrimp on the Barbie," or, "Use this 30 bucks to finally nab that 100 dollar maxi dress you've been eyeing." Gift cards are the beige paint of the gift-giving world; they're kind of sad but they go with everything. Just remember to scratch your name off of the back before you stick the card in an envelope and smugly hand it over to someone else who probably hates Outback Steakhouse.
- Booze: Everyone loves booze! Except for babies and people who don't. Booze is a great gift for almost any occasion: birthdays, holidays, barbecues, morning. Just make sure that any wine or beer that you're passing on isn't skunked. Hard liquor, however, never goes bad. (Don't worry. I looked that up on Yahoo.) I'm pretty sure they found a bottle of Jagermeister in the tomb of an ancient Egyptian pharaoh, and it tasted exactly as horrible as modern Jagermeister. Put a bow on that bottle and regift the hell out of it!
- Toys: As I already mentioned, you do not need to buy a new toy if you have a new, functioning, and abandoned toy sitting forlornly in some corner of your home. Slap some fresh Sponge Bob wrapping paper on that reject and call yourself Martha Stewart. But take note: If your child receives an extra Dr. Blinkerton McScreamy's Song Repeater 5000, don't even consider regifting it to my kid. If that or any other hell-spawn electronic toy crosses the threshold of my home, I will give your kid pink eye. I. Will. Give. Your. Kid. Pink Eye.
- Handmade items: Don't be an asshole. You don't regift a lovingly crafted handmade item; you give that shit to Goodwill, where your MeeMaw's knitted toilet paper cozy will make some hipster's big, dumb, ironic day.
- Food: Regifting food is kinda shady, in my opinion. What are the chances that you got that tin of weird Scandinavian butter cookies a few days before you opted to regift them? Slim. What are the chances that you had to wipe dust off of the tin. High. Look, nothing takes the wind out of a girl's sails like ripping open a box of birthday chocolates only to find that the truffles have gone a bit grey. When you regift food, what you're really giving is the gift of diarrhea.
- Books: You know damn well that no one likes to read. Ugh. Nerds.
And there you have it -- the Tao of Regifting. For the record, though, if you show up at my house with anything on this list, I'll know what you've done, ya cheapskate.