Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Superstar: The Story of a Woman Who Did Not Pee Her Pants in Front of a Live Audience

Do you know what every pasty, introverted, physically awkward blogger mom dreams of?

No, besides cookies for breakfast. (Good guess, but I don't really need to dream about that.)

No, no, besides Internet fame in exchange for my family's dignity and privacy. (I mean, obviously. But still not what I'm looking for.)

No! Damn it. No. Besides singing a duet to "Bad Girls" with a reanimated Donna Summer while wearing a Bob Mackie sequined jumpsuit. (But if someone out there can do a Frankenstein monster on the Queen of Disco, then you find me.)

C'mon. You know this. 

Every pasty, introverted, physically awkward blogger mom dreams of . . . not being on YouTube.

Somehow I managed to inherit the Italian propensity for dramatic hand gestures without inheriting delicious, olive-toned Italian skin or effortless Italian style or smoldering Italian sex appeal. Basically, watching me speak is like witnessing a beluga whale with overactive flippers; it's entertaining for a minute, but eventually you just feel confused, maybe even uncomfortable.

I'm smaller. I'm hairier. But the mournful eyes and giant mouth are just the same.

Well, for those of you that enjoy feeling confused and uncomfortable, I have an exciting announcement! 

I'm on YouTube. 


My worst nightmare is your, well, I don't know, maybe your worst nightmare. Maybe your pleasant sense of schadenfreude. Maybe your 5 minutes of procrastination before scrubbing the toilet or filing paperwork. 

Whatever the case may be, I give to you -- without further ado and whether I like it or not -- actual footage of me reading "Ground Control to Major Mom" as part of the 2014 cast of Listen to Your Mother DC.

And although I can poke fun at my general lack of star power (ironic, considering my skin's ability to emit light), I cannot speak highly enough of the women with whom I shared the LTYM experience. Their stories are laugh-out-loud funny. Their stories will bring you to your knees. Their stories are vulnerable and exceptional and moving. Please take a moment to check out the rest of the videos. And, next year, when the show comes to a town near you, be there.

Thank you for taking a moment to watch this video and to leave a helpful comment like, "Who is this asshole?" or "I like boobs," or maybe, just maybe, "Not bad, Ms. Sea World 2014. Not bad at all!"

26 comments:

  1. Ms. Sea World 2014, this is so, so much better than not bad. "Suck it, TURD!" Truer words have never been spoken. So very thankful to LTYM for bringing us together!

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    1. Indeed. Being in the show (and thus meeting you) was twice as awesome as it was terrifying and brightly lit.

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  2. You were fabulous. You were so much more than fabulous. Great story--couldn't stop laughing. And a whale? I think not. Your delivery was spot on and the audience loved you as I noted from all the laughs. Job well done, NJ. Your Mom would have loved it. A.D.

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    1. Thanks, A.D. I'd like to think she would have gotten a good laugh out it. I can remember that moment -- her holding the Bat Girl underwear -- like it was yesterday. Dear lord, what could Pork Chop have in store for ME in a few years?

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  3. Brilliant. I am going to share this.

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    1. Thank you, Holly! You know I was terrified, but I had you and the rest of my rowdy crew to cheer me on.

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  4. I can't stop watching your video. It's a flawless delivery of hilarity. xoxo

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    1. High praise from you, Lisa. Your story still makes me gasp every. single. time.

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  5. LYTM was an incredible (early) Mothers' Day gift and you were beyond fabulous. Lots of respect and admiration from this old mother....

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    1. Thank you so much! And it's not "old mother" it's "seasoned vet"!

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  6. I love you and Donna Summer. This is brilliant. Congratulations!

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    1. Thank you, Carisa. Having finally watched the whole Portland show, I am just blown away -- not just by the stories, but by the story TELLING. This LTYM thing? It's a little life changing.

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  7. You are amazing. The end. And I like boobs. And you.

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  8. You were absolutely amazing. Your piece was so beautiful and funny, and you delivered it perfectly!

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    1. Foxy, I heart you. Thanks, lady. I was a nervous wreck, but something about the blinding stage lights kind of lulled me into a sense of comedy calm.

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  9. Perspicacious, poignant, witty and perfectly presented. Loved it.

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    1. So pleased with your positive review! (Alliteration for the nerd win!) Thank you. Truly.

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  10. I think you looked great ontsage! And your piece and delivery of your piece were magical! Job well done!

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    1. Jessica-the-First, we ALL looked great. It was a honor to be on stage with you and the rest of the ladies. And thank you!

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  11. That was FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC. Loved it.

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    1. Thanks, Teri! I was shaking in my fancy new shoes, but I am so glad I did it.

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    1. Thanks so much, Tracey! I am still a little shell-shocked at what a lovely response I've gotten to my runaway baby poop story. :)

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  13. You are so adorable in 3D! Oh wait, still 2d? And writing is ID? Shit. Anyway, adorable. Move to my city and be my best friend.

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