Friday, June 20, 2014

Mom Comes Last

When my son loves something, he loves it immediately and abundantly. One of my greatest pleasures is watching other people react to my son's greeting: He beams. He sometimes belts out a spirited "Ayyyy!" like a tiny Fonz. He waves -- not just a hand, but his whole arm. And if the object of his affection doesn't wave back, he waves both arms, just in case there is a failure to understand how waving works.

Often, mid-wave, he'll crane his neck around to look at me, as if to say, "Do you see what I'm seeing? Isn't it amazing? This, right here, is my absolute favorite thing." Pork Chop is 16 months old, and everything is a discovery. Everything is a wonder. What must it be like to experience each moment, each person or thing as some kind of happy magic? More importantly, what must it be like to be that person or thing, to be fantastic, to be adored?

I wouldn't know. I'm his mother. Each morning, when I scoop my son from his crib, I'm greeted with "Dada!" then a confused stare and then, "Dada?" On really special mornings, he smiles, points to my boobs, and says, "Milk!" It doesn't matter that breastfeeding ended a month ago; Pork Chop never forgets old friends.

If I had to rank my son's great loves, judging only by his enthusiastic greeting (and I did have to rank them because I needed a new blog post), this is how it might go:

1. Stuffed Elephant. An inanimate object covered in my son's snot and spit.

I think the saying goes, "If you love something, eat its face."

2. The Dog. Couldn't care less about my son.

3. His Dad. Okay, this choice is possibly legit.

4. His Own Reflection. Good luck with that, anyone who ever dates my kid.

5. The Trash Truck. Yeah, I get it. It can eat trash. But so can I.

6. A Banana. Any banana.

7. Airplanes
. Kind of cute, except for the staring directly into the sun part.

8. Strange Adult Men. We'll figure this one out in therapy some day.

9. His Pediatrician. The same one who jabs him with a needle.

10. Whatever I'm Eating. Tostitos and hot coffee are pretty good.

11. A Cell Phone. Because of buttons.

12. A Rock. To bite. 

13. Fire. Obviously.

14. That Weird Grocery Store Cashier Who Coos at Him for an Uncomfortably Long Time. Because I'm in a hurry.

15. Sock Monkey. A known floozie.

I don't think that's even legal.

16. His Babysitter. To be honest, I'm pretty damned excited to see her too.

17. A Bottle of Saline Nasal Spray. Um?

18. The Dark Corner at the Back of His Closet. Choosing not to delve too deeply into this one.

19. My Boobs. Not creepy. Yet.

20. Mom. Hey, kid, just as long as I'm somewhere on your list, it's alright with me.


EXTRA! EXTRA! I'm on Scary Mommy this evening. Check out "5 Ways Orange Is the New Black Prepared Me for Motherhood." 


  1. #5 is particularly funny. To me anyway. I love your blog and I am stupid excited for tonight's link! Hook me up!

    1. For a Bitter Ex-Nuke Wife, you sure are full of love and support. But don't worry, I like you in spite of that! And #5 may be funny, but it's also true, horribly, horribly true.

  2. The other day I was in the kitchen and my fourteen month old started pointing at me and saying "mamamama" and I was like "great! He's finally saying my name!" But then I realized he was actually pointing to the gallon of milk I was pouring and calling it mama. So yeah, I get you.

    1. I never thought I'd be jealous of my own boobs (or a banana or a sock monkey). I do get you. But they'll appreciate us someday, because, remember, that gallon of milk can't work the DVD player or heat up chicken nuggets.

    2. I have a thirteen year old son too...still waiting for him to appreciate me...maybe another 13 years?

  3. HA! Thanks for the giggle. This is awesome!

    My school-aged kids' loves have changed - but I have to say that some things on the list stay the same. I'll let you guess which ones. ;-)

    1. As long as strange adult men and your boobs aren't still on the list, I say you're doing something right!

  4. I had to laugh at #6. That's my son's most favorite thing ever. He totally freaks out if heaven forbid we're out of them.

  5. That monitor picture of my nephew is just wrong. Enough said.

  6. HAHA. You rock. Oh and the boob one does get creepy, eventually. My son hasn't breastfed for almost four years but he freaking remembers. He knows. Just a couple of months ago, I made the mistake of letting him see his old friends. He puckered up and said "baby milk for me!" I was completely calm and collected and explained that they don't work any more because he's a big boy. You know, after I hyperventilated and shrieked and put on a bra even though I was still wet, all while having horrid flashbacks to that Time Magazine cover of a 48-month old gnawing on mama.

  7. Yeah, Sock Monkey seems pretty whorey. Spell check does not like what I just wrote, but I stand by it: whorey.