Flogger Blogger Wednesday: Blogging While Buzzed

Welcome to the second installment of Flogger Blogger Wednesday. Sit back and enjoy the public self-flaggelation (if you're into that kinda thing) or just put the "miserate" in "commiserate" as you see shades of your own failure in my tales of guilt and shame.

This week, I wanted to tell you a story, to write something funny but with a literary flourish, to be both self-deprecating and honest, to make you feel feelings and stuff. So I got up in the wee hours of the morning. I brewed an extra-large pot of inspirational coffee. I fired up the laptop. I called forth the muse. And then I took some quizzes.

BuzzFeed. God. Damn. BuzzFeed.

Apparently, I couldn't waste one more minute of my life without knowing who my fashion icon is (Solange Knowles) or what European country I should live in (Malta? What's "Malta"?) or which Wu Tang Clan member I am (duh, Ol' Dirty Bastard, may he rest in peace).

Despite obvious signs of choking on my deadline, I just kept cramming junk into my face. I shouldn't be surprised, really, that the answer to the quiz "Are You Going to Hell?" was "Congratulations! You are going to Hell!"

So let's just forget about literature and honesty and emotions. Instead, I give you:

10 Things I Should Be Doing Instead of Reading BuzzFeed

1. Reading about Malta, because I had no idea Malta was a for-real place
2. Taking something to counteract the chocolate-frosted donut I ate for breakfast, like a probiotic maybe or a bagel
3. Stopping my kid from eating the floor Cheerios
4. Convincing the dog to eat the floor Cheerios
5. Paying a bill probably
6. Putting on pants
7. Getting the xylophone and wooden spoon out of my kid's hands before I have a psychotic break
8. Making a list that's actually helpful, like a grocery list or a hit list
9. Coming up with a 9th thing
10. Let's see what's new on BuzzFeed

I'll see you in a week, my friends, when Flogger Blogger Wednesday returns. Or I'll see you in Hell. Your choice.