This week, I wanted to tell you a story, to write something funny but with a literary flourish, to be both self-deprecating and honest, to make you feel feelings and stuff. So I got up in the wee hours of the morning. I brewed an extra-large pot of inspirational coffee. I fired up the laptop. I called forth the muse. And then I took some quizzes.
BuzzFeed. God. Damn. BuzzFeed.
Apparently, I couldn't waste one more minute of my life without knowing who my fashion icon is (Solange Knowles) or what European country I should live in (Malta? What's "Malta"?) or which Wu Tang Clan member I am (duh, Ol' Dirty Bastard, may he rest in peace).
Despite obvious signs of choking on my deadline, I just kept cramming junk into my face. I shouldn't be surprised, really, that the answer to the quiz "Are You Going to Hell?" was "Congratulations! You are going to Hell!"
So let's just forget about literature and honesty and emotions. Instead, I give you:
10 Things I Should Be Doing Instead of Reading BuzzFeed
- Reading about Malta, because I had no idea Malta was a for-real place
- Taking something to counteract the chocolate-frosted donut I ate for breakfast, like a probiotic maybe or a bagel
- Stopping my kid from eating the floor Cheerios
- Convincing the dog to eat the floor Cheerios
- Paying a bill probably
- Putting on pants
- Getting the xylophone and wooden spoon out of my kid's hands before I have a psychotic break
- Making a list that's actually helpful, like a grocery list or a hit list
- Coming up with a 9th thing
- Let's see what's new on BuzzFeed