So perhaps the phrase has lost some of its impact. That said, let me assure you that what I am about to describe is, in fact, a perfect storm -- a confluence of events that, even taken separately, would be catastrophic. I'm talking about the winter that will not die. About a baby with a "loose bowel." And about Girl Scout Cookie season. It's a perfect storm of endless snow days, trapped in the house with a miserable kid, brimming diapers, and six boxes of the Little Brownie Baker's assorted delicacies.
This morning, we awoke to another 8 inches of white stuff. My son is banging his activity board as his stomach makes a queasy gurgle. I'd normally be working from home, but daycare is closed. Again. Another vacation day will be spent digging, scraping, salting, nursing, wiping, and washing. I'm not even finished my organic, high-fiber, whole wheat bagel with low-fat vegetable cream cheese (evidently made in a fit of self-loathing), but I'm already eyeing the pantry, where the cookies are lined up in their cheery, colorful boxes. Delicious cookies. Wonderful cookies. High-sugar, high-fat, no-fiber, 100% happiness cookies, snug in their plastic trays, blanketed in creamy chocolate, inviting me to grab a cup of coffee and cuddle up with them, to lose myself in their sweet, chewy embrace.
It's easy to convince myself that my sugar habit isn't a big deal. That I can quit whenever I want to. It's just, ya know, that I don't want to. And, besides, my weight is healthy, my blood pressure is normal. Sure, I get jittery. But what mom doesn't? So I pop a few Somoas to help me unwind? That doesn't mean I have a problem. Did I eat a handful of Thin Mints in the darkened hall bathroom? I did. But only so I wouldn't have to share. There's over half of a foot of snow outside, people. I deserve a cookie. A few cookies even.
But the Internet is really trying to harsh my mellow. Facebook friends keep posting links to articles about sugar addiction, the hazards of refined sugar, sugar toxicity, and danger, danger, danger!
Diabetes, weight gain, and mood swings -- yeah, I knew about all of that. But last night, as I munched a Tagalong, I turned to my husband and confessed, "So, I think I should maybe cut back on the sweets. I was reading this one article, and it said sugar can cause cognitive . . . um . . . mental . . . uh . . . cognitive . . . DAMN IT . . cognitive things."
"Cognitive things?" he asked, very judging-ly.
"Cognitive delays! Delays. Not 'things.' Delays."
He laughed in my face, judging-ly-er.
"C'mon. I'm serious. My cognition is already, like, bad."
"Okay then," Shelby said, "eat fewer sweets." But he looked away when he said it. Then he chewed a fingernail. He knew better.
I plucked another cookie from the tray. "Well, tomorrow. I'll begin tomorrow."
But it's tomorrow right now. And I need to dig out the car so I can get my husband to the airport so that he can do business in another, much warmer, state until Thursday. Pork Chop is rolling on the floor, making sure to spread the contents of his diaper evenly around his lower torso. It's begun to snow again. My mouth feels dry. I'm antsy. And would you look at that. The pantry door is ajar. I don't even remember opening it.
I'm pretty sure there's a global dispensation for cookie eating on snow days. If I hadn't finished all of ours during the LAST snow day, I'd be right there with you. Actually....want to share? The more I help you eat, the closer you'll be to conquering that sugar problem. Yeah, that's the solution.
ReplyDeleteI think this is what folks call "enabling." And I like it. I like it very much.
DeleteI lasted a little over a week on my sweets fast before I started to cheat. It's brutal. But now I cheat regularly, and I am happy. I choose happy over healthy. At least until some sort of coma makes me stop.
ReplyDeleteI think of Somoas as an investment in my mental health. If only the cookies came with an actual Girl Scout. Cookies and a babysitter are sounding pretty awesome right about now.
DeleteSomoas are the shit! The other day I spent 30 minutes watching a cupcake wars episode, completely based on girl scout cookie flavors. It was so amazing, that I managed to convince myself as well as Ben & Ellen, that we were watching something life changing. A somoa cupcake!! Its truly the perfect storm, in a good way. -Sarah
ReplyDeleteUh, you WERE watching something life-changing. Somoa cupcakes? How could that not alter your world view? Girl Scout cookies are like delicious Xanax.
DeleteYeah, okay, I'm one of the folks regaling you with sugar danger articles, but you know what reduces inflammation in the body? Raw veggies. I may or may not have a personal guilt-reducing strategy of cookie-then-carrot, cookie-then-carrot. I'd like to say it's a big old Bugs Bunny carrot each time, but they make those really convenient little bagged baby carrots.... Well, heck, the carrots aren't talking. Let's just say they're Bugs Bunny carrots. ;) Jen
ReplyDeleteThe truly terrible thing is that I'm not ignorant of the dangers of sugar. I know exactly how bad it is, yet I keep on shoveling into my cake hole. I did a raw veggie diet once, to see if it would help with my migraines. The migraines persisted, but I felt otherwise fantastic! And yet, come Christmas cookie season, I was off the wagon. And hard.
DeleteDid I hear the word Samoas????? Oh nooooooooo. I' m going out right now to hunt down a Girl Scout and buy her out!! I have a T shirt that states: "the liver is evil and must be punished." Got that at a pub in Rhode Island. There should be one about the pancreas, or whatever. Aunt Judy
ReplyDelete